I remember seeing the notification in Facebook. My friend started a group chat and the first thought in my head was, oh no, what kind of themed get together does she want to do now? As I read her message, I had so much guilt for being annoyed. She was letting us all know that she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and will be starting chemo. In her traditional style though, she wasn’t feeling sorry for herself, and ended the message with so much positivity. I cried to my former partner and couldn’t understand how this could happen. She was only 40. 

Over the next few years, she did everything to get better. Chemo, eating healthier, taking leave from her job. Her husband was nothing short of amazing. And after a few years, the cancer was in remission. She was doing better, her hair was growing back, and she was getting back to a healthy weight.

And then, it came back. Aggressively. She tried alternate treatments. Some of the medical centers that she went to were close to my house, so she stayed with me sometimes. She even cooked when she stayed, or picked up food. Always putting others before herself. 

Unfortunately, this time around, the cancer was too much for her. She was in and out of the hospital, and in so much pain. When my friends and I made plans to visit her, her sister texted us to tell us she was in the hospital again. A couple of us went to go see her. Prior to my visit, I decided to put together a photo album of all of our memories–Halloween (we loved dressing up), all the nights out clubbing, beach days, birthday gatherings, weddings–over 20 years of friendship. I gave the album to her to keep her distracted from her pain. Later, her mom would tell me how much she loved that album.

The thing about grief is that it comes and goes. The best we can do is to continue living our lives the way our loved ones would want us to. I’m so grateful for the times I got to spend with her. I’m so grateful for all the laughs we shared together. I also get angry that she’s gone and there are people still around who do awful things to others. I feel sad when I think about the genuine love her and her husband had for each other. Why would she be taken from him? 

It’s been nearly 5 years since she passed away, and the grief doesn’t go away. I’m glad it won’t. Because it’s a reminder of a life that she and I were privileged to share with each other. I will continue to embrace the sadness of not having her here. I will also continue to embrace the love and joy she brought to my life, and will try my best to honor her memory and live life more positively.